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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27710503">the path we choose to walk on</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Irrwisch/pseuds/Irrwisch'>Irrwisch</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>15x20 Fix-It, Angst, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Castiel in the Empty, Dealing With Loss, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Dean Winchester is trying to cope, F/M, First Kiss, Fix-It, Hurt/Comfort, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Jack Kline is God, M/M, Sick Castiel (Supernatural), after canon</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 15:08:52</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>18,811</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27710503</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Irrwisch/pseuds/Irrwisch</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Fix-It to 15x20 because SPN ended after 15x18 and it's up to us to make it right. </p><p>“Freedom,” Sam says. “What do we do with it?”<br/>Dean looks over to his brother, smiling. There is no story left for them, not ever again. Now, they make sure the book gets a good end. They deserve a soft end, don’t they?<br/>“Whatever we want,” Dean replies and they drive away.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>155</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Currently Reading</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. a length of rope</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi!<br/>There will be more chapters after this, so the ending to this here IS NOT ALL THERE IS THIS IS IMPORTANT THERE WILL BE MORE<br/>Visit me <a href="https://irrlicht-ghostfront.tumblr.com/">here</a> or <a href="https://irrlicht-writes.tumblr.com/">here</a></p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Freedom,” Sam says. “What do we do with it?”</p><p>Dean looks over to his brother, smiling. There is no story left for them, not ever again. Now, they make sure the book gets a good end. They deserve a soft end, don’t they?</p><p>“Whatever we want,” Dean replies and they drive away.</p><p>*</p><p>“I can’t reach her,” Sam says and panics. He’s holding his phone in his hand and tries again. Dean wants to help, but he doesn’t know how. What if she lost her phone? Because she came back. Jack had brought everybody back, right? Jack wouldn’t leave her behind, right?</p><p>She’s important to Sam.</p><p>“Can you locate her phone?” Dean asks and Sam nods. His hands are shaking. Dean reaches over and grabs one of them, squeezing it.</p><p>“We’ll find her, Sammy,” he says and Sam tries to smile.</p><p>Dean is sure of it. There is a happy end waiting. What’s a little more work? What’s a little more searching? Sam will get what he deserves. Sam will get the girl and Dean... well, Dean has Miracle. But that’s not important right now. Right now, Sam’s hand is important. If he can provide just a little support to his brother, then he’ll do that.</p><p>“The GPS says she’s right there.”</p><p>Sam’s voice quivers and he looks through the windshield. He doesn’t look at Dean.</p><p>“Then let’s go there,” Dean says and Sam nods, looking back down at his phone.</p><p>Dean starts to drive. There is the open road in front of them; and at the end, Eileen will be waiting.</p><p>*</p><p>“There’s a pie contest in this town,” Sam says and Dean looks at the road sign. Huh. They’ve been driving for a while now and a break would be nice if Dean is honest.</p><p>“I was also reading the local news and I think there might be a case here.”</p><p>So there is a case here, huh? After the entire God thing, a normal case would be really nice. And the pie contest sounds incredibly tempting. It almost sounds too normal and Dean almost wants to pull over. It’s been a long time since he’s had some pie.</p><p>But here’s the thing.</p><p>Dean doesn’t want to hunt anymore. He doesn’t want to go chasing after the monsters anymore.</p><p>
  <em>“You’ve fought for this whole world for love.”</em>
</p><p>He’s not a killer. He’s never wanted to be. He simply had never been given the choice but Cas – Castiel saw him for what he was. And Dean believes him. He looks over to Sam and smiles.</p><p>“I don’t want pie, Sammy. Let’s keep driving.”</p><p>They never go to Dabb’s Pie Festival.</p><p>In the afternoon sun, an old nail shimmers in an empty barn.</p><p>It’s quiet in the town.</p><p>Someone else takes care of the monster.</p><p>Nobody dies that day.</p><p>*</p><p>Sam’s hand is shaking.</p><p>He’s saying that they’re getting close. Even Dean is getting anxious. Sam deserves a happy end. And Dean will figure himself out, like he always does. He thinks about the trench coat he carries in the trunk. Cas is always going to be with him. When he puts the trench coat on, Cas will protect him again, like he always did.</p><p>In lonely nights, the trench coat will bring back Cas to him.</p><p> </p><p>“We’re close. She must be here somewhere.”</p><p>Sam’s voice is shaking hard. Dean nods and slows the car down.</p><p>“Try calling her again,” Dean says.</p><p>Sam nods and tries again. She doesn’t need to answer; she just needs to pick up the phone. She just needs to give a little sign of life. Sam is breathing heavily. Dean is scanning the surroundings, hoping to spot a lost woman in the crowd.</p><p>When they find her, he should ask Eileen to dye her hair green. That would make her easier to find, at least.</p><p>“She doesn’t pick up,” Sam whispers and Dean clenches his jaw.</p><p>“We’ll find her,” he says. He has hope. He has faith. He has Castiel in his heart.</p><p> </p><p>Eventually, they stop at the side curb. Sam is trying hard not to cry and Dean wants to cheer him up.</p><p>“Cas told me he loves me,” he says and Sam snivels.</p><p>“He saved me,” he says and Sam is blinking at him.</p><p>“I’m not the killer I believed I was because Cas saw me for who I really am,” he says and Sam is reaching out his hand. Dean doesn’t take it.</p><p>“It’s the first time I saw him cry. He was happy, he said. Loving me made him happy,” he says and looks at Sam.</p><p>“We’ll find Eileen because that’s what Cas would’ve wanted. Let’s do something for love. I don’t want to be angry anymore. I don’t want to yell anymore. I want to do things because I care. I care about you, I care about Cas, I care about Jack and I care about the whole world – I care so much because I love. I love you, I love Jack, I love the world and I love Cas. I will forever regret that I never got to tell him. He died, Sam, he died without knowing that I loved him like he deserved. At the end, he died believing he was expendable. In the end, he died thinking that he was just a pawn, nothing important. But Sam, without Cas – we wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t be, you wouldn’t be, Eileen wouldn’t be, Jack wouldn’t be.</p><p>I always believed that I corrupted him, an angel from Heaven, but in reality? He freed us. In everything we’ve done, Castiel is the only one that did the right thing. He broke free of the story because he wanted to. We’re here, Sam, because Cas dared to do the impossible: he defied God and he got punished and he defied God again. He’s the only one who ever made a choice; whose choice allowed us to go on. And we never told him. We never told him that he did everything right. He never felt at home in the Bunker. He always believed he was a second-rate person.</p><p>I never got to tell him, Sam. I’ll never see him again because Jack won’t answer me. I want to do this for him. I want to do it for love. And you’ll get your ending with Eileen, like you deserve. It’s not too late, Sammy.</p><p>I want – I <em>need</em> love to win. I can’t get it. But you can. So we’ll find Eileen. And we won’t stop until we’ve found her. And then you’ll tell her that you love her and love <em>can</em> win. It’s not too late. I want to prove right by Cas. I want to <em>be</em> the guy that he saw. I need to be the guy that he fell in love with. I can be. I know I can. So let’s go find your girl.”</p><p>Dean steps out of the car.</p><p>It’s a nice and warm summer day.</p><p>He looks up at the sun.</p><p>It’s a nice day to be alive.</p><p>*</p><p>After hours of searching, they find her. She’s sitting on a park bench and she’s small and frail and weak and Dean is angry at whoever would do this to her. She’s holding the phone in her hand and Dean realises. She’s seen the calls, she’s seen the texts, but she’s been too shocked to react. After all, who knows what exactly happened to those who came back?</p><p>“Eileen,” Sam whispers and he starts running. Dean follows slowly. He’s smiling. Sam can get his happy ending after all and it feels good. Cas would be happy for them too.</p><p>Sam falls to his knees in front of her and Eileen sobs, falling into his arms. It’s touching, really and Dean almost wants to turn away. Sam and Eileen are both crying.</p><p>Dean reaches into his pocket and wraps his hand around the mix tape. Dean had found it in Cas’ room and he hadn’t been able to leave it behind.</p><p>“Hey Cas,” he says and looks up at the sky even though there is no point. Cas isn’t there. But Cas is always in the sky. He’s always someone Dean can look up to.</p><p>“We found Eileen. Isn’t that great? Maybe now Sam can get out of this life and I... Cas, I want out too. I don’t want to be <em>Dean Winchester, the killer</em> anymore. I want to be a Dean Winchester where I go into bars and have drinks and I want to ride another mechanical bull and I want a house I can return to. I want to hunt every now and again when something’s going on in the area but I don’t want to chase the monsters anymore. I want to watch chick flicks and I want to wash my car in booty shorts.</p><p>I want to have a porch with a nice garden and I want an old recliner I can sit in when I watch my shows. We could’ve watched so many shows together; like stupid sitcoms, y’know? You would’ve laughed at all the dumb jokes, man; you really should’ve laughed more.</p><p>I’ll be better than I was, Cas. I’ll be the man you saw in me, because you’re right. I won’t lash out anymore because I remember – I remember that you said I did these things out of love. Dean Winchester is loved.</p><p>You – you were it, Cas. In all this mess, you were the one good thing that happened to me. Remember when we met? <em>Good things do happen, Dean</em>? This good thing was <em>you</em>, Cas. It was always you and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I never told you. I’m so sorry that I made you think you didn’t matter and that you were expendable.</p><p>You never were. You were always so important. You never had to come back to me, but you did. You came back every single time.”</p><p>Dean bows his head.</p><p>The sun ahead is mocking him.</p><p>“I just wish I could tell you. I wish I could make you understand. But I’m too late. I’m always too late for these things, Cas.”</p><p>He had never held Castiel’s hand. He had never ruffled Castiel’s hair. He had never been able to make Castiel wear different clothes. He had never explained the finer things in life to Castiel. And now it is too late.</p><p>But he wants to accept himself for who he is. He doesn’t want to hide anymore. Cas loves him exactly as he is and Dean wants to be proud of that.</p><p> </p><p>“Dean,” Sam says and Dean looks up. Sam and Eileen have stopped crying and that’s good. He waves at Eileen who smiles at him.</p><p>Sam is happy. It’s so easy to see on his face. It feels good. They got a win. They got a final win and Sam could finally have the white picket-fence that he deserves. And Dean would cope. Dean would just cope. Sam and Eileen would have babies and Dean could be the cool uncle.</p><p>And hey, maybe he could become a godparent to Garth’s Cas. Yes. That is a nice thought.</p><p> </p><p>“I could feel your longing,” someone behind him says and Dean whips around just to be face to face with Jack.</p><p>“Jack,” he whispers and the boy lifts his hand in response. It’s good to see that Jack is still Jack. Cas would be proud of his son. Dean just wishes Castiel had been there to see it. Dean just wishes that Castiel would be here now to see this.</p><p>“I can’t bring him back,” Jack says and Dean knows. That’s why he didn’t ask back then. Cas was gone; and the Empty held the angel forever now. It’s okay. Dean would learn to live with this hole in his heart.</p><p>“But,” Jack then continues and Dean looks up.</p><p>“I can help <em>you</em> bring him back.”</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>Sam is holding Eileen tight but Dean can barely see. What did Jack just say?</p><p>The boy gestures into the air.</p><p>“I can open a portal to the Empty and protect you while you’re in it. But you have to find Cas; and you have to convince him to leave. He has to <em>want</em> to leave that place. As soon as he wants that, I can get him out.”</p><p>He looks at Dean.</p><p>“You can make him want to leave, Dean. He thinks you’re better off without him, and you need to <em>prove him wrong</em>.”</p><p>Dean’s heart is beating too fast. Could this be true? Could this truly be true? What if he died in the car or Chuck killed him or this is just a fever dream because maybe he got impaled on something or –</p><p>“I’ll go, too,” Sam says.</p><p>Dean turns around to look at him. Sam looks determined.</p><p>“I love Cas, too,” he says, “not like you do, but I love him all the same. You told me to get my girl, then, so I’m telling you now, let’s go get your man.”</p><p>Eileen nods.</p><p>Dean nods.</p><p>Sam nods.</p><p>Jack nods.</p><p>Jack opens a portal and Dean and Sam step through it, into eternal darkness.</p><p>Eileen will wait. She’ll wait forever for Sam.</p><p>Jack will wait. He’ll wait forever for Cas.</p><p>*</p><p>“Where do we go?” Sam asks and Dean doesn’t know how to answer.</p><p>He’s breathing hard because there’s nothing here. It’s just dark. How is he supposed to find Cas in all this darkness? This isn’t like tracking down a GPS signal.</p><p>“Dean,” Sam says and puts his hand on Dean’s shoulder. Dean tries to catch his breath. But all he knows is Cas. Cas Cas Cas Cas Cas Cas.</p><p>“Follow your heart,” Sam says and Dean isn’t sure if he can do that. Cas. He wants Cas. Cas always comes back to him. He can do it this once. He can find Cas, just this once when it matters.</p><p>His whole body is shaking and he looks around but it doesn’t help. Find Cas, he has to find Cas. He has to trust himself, he has to trust Cas. He isn’t going to leave this place without Cas. Sam is right behind him. This is the final obstacle. The final monster they have to defeat. Dean can do it. Dean can triumph over the Empty and in the end, love wins.</p><p>He takes a deep breath.</p><p>And then he starts walking.</p><p>Sam follows behind.</p><p>One last time.</p><p> </p><p>Dean stops.</p><p>He doesn’t know how far they’ve walked because there is nothing here. But something tells him to stop. Something tells him that this is the right spot. He closes his eyes and kneels down on the ground.</p><p>“Cas,” he says because that’s all that matters.</p><p>Sam stands behind him and it’s a comforting presence. He’s not alone. He’s never been alone. He’s not alone in this trial and Sam will support him.</p><p> </p><p>“Why is it always you?!” He hears himself shout and Dean opens his eyes. They’re somewhere else. He can see himself standing there; and he’s screaming at Cas. Why? Why is he screaming? Why is he <em>always screaming –?</em></p><p>“Every time we fix something you broke; you turn around and break something else!”</p><p>Dean gets up from the ground.</p><p>“Dean I just wanted to do the right thing,” Cas says and it’s so good to hear his voice.</p><p>“The right thing?! You’ve never done the right thing, Cas! Everything you do just makes things even worse! It’s like you don’t care about us at all!”</p><p>“Dean, please –“</p><p>“Fucking can it, Cas! We don’t need you! We’ve <em>never</em> needed you! I’ve been just too nice to let you stay all this time, you hear me? But this ends here, alright? It’s over, Castiel. If you come back, I will personally get rid of you. You don’t deserve anything, Castiel and I hope your asshole angel brothers exile you to the furthest desert and let you rot there in all eternity. I’m done with you. And now please excuse me while I try to save the world you want to see burn.”</p><p>No.</p><p>No no no no no no no.</p><p>How could he say that? But Dean knows. Dean knows that this is what he’s been like. And Cas, good, pure Cas, just took it all. How could he do that? How could he treat Cas this way? Why did Cas ever come back? Why –</p><p>“It’s okay,” Cas says to a little bird and Dean sobs.</p><p>“He’s angry because he cares so much. One day, if I’m good, then he’ll care about me too. I just need to prove myself. Once I’ll do something right, he’ll smile at me, you know? I just have to earn his care. It’s okay. It’s okay.”</p><p>“Cas,” Dean sobs and Cas turns around. But he doesn’t look at Dean. Dean wants to go to him and hold him and apologise for himself.</p><p>“Cas, please come back to me,” Dean sobs and Cas tilts his head.</p><p>But then Dean blinks and Cas is gone.</p><p>“Cas,” Dean cries and Sam’s hands on his shoulder don’t help at all.</p><p> </p><p>“Man, I love boobs,” he hears himself say and he doesn’t want to listen.</p><p>“Oh?” Castiel replies.</p><p>“Yeah. Honestly, I don’t get how people could be into dick.”</p><p>Castiel frowns. “Are women not?”</p><p>“Well yeah. I meant – I meant other dudes. Why would I want another dick if I could get boobs?”</p><p>Castiel is quiet for a while. “You don’t like men being with other men?”</p><p>This time, Dean hears how quiet Cas’ voice is. He hates it. Why hadn’t he ever heard before? It’s because he didn’t want to hear. He hadn’t cared. If he had just listened back then, then – then maybe...</p><p>“No. I mean, I don’t care. It’s just not for me, y’know? I couldn’t ever see myself liking dick. Like, someone else’s dick. I don’t know. I think I’m missing the appeal.”</p><p>Castiel looks so sad. Back then, Dean hadn’t seen. He hadn’t cared. He had never cared. Why had he never cared?</p><p>“It’s okay,” Cas says after Dean is gone.</p><p>“I can still be his friend. I just want to be with him. It’s enough. It’s enough. I have no other choice. It has to be enough. It doesn’t... it doesn’t matter what I want. <em>I</em> don’t matter. It’s okay. It’s okay.”</p><p>At the end, Cas’ voice breaks. Dean’s heart breaks too.</p><p>“You matter, Cas,” he whispers, “you always mattered.”</p><p>Cas looks up but again, he doesn’t see Dean. Dean tries to get closer.</p><p>“I’m an idiot,” Dean says, “and I never deserved you. But please, please, come back to me, Cas, <em>please</em>.”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s okay,” Castiel says and it’s raining. Dean is cold. He recognises this.</p><p>“I’m not useful to him right now, so that’s why he sent me away.”</p><p>“Cas, no,” Dean whispers breathlessly but Cas doesn’t look at him.</p><p>“I had just hoped that – that maybe now he and I could be... that we could be...” Castiel’s voice breaks away.</p><p>Cas is walking through the dark evening and the sky looks like rain. Dean wants to go to him, wrap him up in his jacket and hold him close and tell him how much he matters.</p><p>“I’m not his friend,” Cas says and Dean’s breath hitches hard.</p><p>“He’s always just needed my powers but now that I’ve got none of them left, I lost my usefulness to him. It’s okay. He saved me from April. That means something, right? It means he cares just a little bit. Maybe – maybe if I’m really good and prove myself, then he’ll take me back. I’ll just become a very good human being and then Dean will see that I’m worth it. He’ll say that it was just a test to see how I’d do and then I’ll have passed and he’ll hug me and we can eat burritos together.</p><p>I hope he’s fine. He’s got Sam. He’s got Sam and I’ve got nobody. It’s okay. It’s okay. It has to be okay. Get a grip, Castiel. You’re going to be just fine. You’ll ace this human thing and then you can go back to Dean and tell him you’ve done well.</p><p>It’s okay. It’s okay. He’ll smile at you and clap you on the back and he’ll tell you that your home is with them in the Bunker and you’ll get to help. They’ll value you, they both will, because they’ll care for you.</p><p>You just have to get there. You can do it. You can do it. It’s okay. It’s okay. It has to be okay. You’ve got no other choice. It’s okay. It’s okay.”</p><p>Castiel’s voice is quiet and flat and it breaks Dean’s heart. How did Cas ever see anything good in him? He’s done nothing but degrade the angel, again and again.</p><p>“Cas,” he cries. “Please come back to me.”</p><p>Cas turns his head.</p><p>“Who’s there?” he asks but Dean’s fading away.</p><p> </p><p>“He doesn’t love you,” Lucifer says.</p><p>“I know,” Castiel replies.</p><p>“So why are you holding on to him?”</p><p>Castiel blinks and looks at Lucifer. He doesn’t answer.</p><p>“You’ve let the devil possess you, all in the desperate effort to save that mud-monkey. Tell me why he deserves it. Tell me why I shouldn’t just get rid of both of them.”</p><p>“Because,” Castiel says, “I will cast you out if you do. They’re important to me. It doesn’t matter what they think of me. I will do everything they ask without question.”</p><p>“You’re a fool,” Lucifer says.</p><p>“Yes,” Castiel agrees. “But I chose this fate by my own free will. And I keep choosing it. I will forever keep choosing this. It’s worth it. They’re worth it. Dean’s worth it.”</p><p>Lucifer grabs him and slams him against a wall. They’re in the Bunker kitchen, Dean realises.</p><p>“Then maybe you should suffer for your precious human.”</p><p>“For him, I’ll do anything.”</p><p>“You’re broken beyond repair, Castiel. I don’t even know what’s still holding you together.”</p><p>Castiel smiles.</p><p>He doesn’t scream when Lucifer punches him through the gut, but Dean does. He can’t move.</p><p>Castiel looks at him. Castiel sees him. Dean can’t speak. He doesn’t know how. Castiel smiles.</p><p>“It’s okay,” he says with blood running over his lips.</p><p> </p><p>“I love him,” Castiel says and Dean sees himself raking leaves.</p><p>He remembers this. It’s when he was staying with Lisa.</p><p>“But I can’t have him,” Castiel says and Dean takes a step closer to him.</p><p>“He deserves his peace,” Castiel says and Dean’s legs are shaking.</p><p>“And I’m not supposed to feel,” Castiel says and Dean is getting closer.</p><p>“I’m a broken angel,” Castiel says and Dean reaches out his hand.</p><p>“Nobody would ever love a dysfunctional angel,” Castiel says and Dean’s almost there.</p><p>“I’ll watch over him,” Castiel says and it’s just one more step.</p><p>“It’s okay,” Castiel says and Dean hugs him.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s not okay,” Dean says and Castiel doesn’t move.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Dean says and Castiel turns his head.</p><p>“I’m so sorry for everything I’ve put you through,” Dean says and Castiel tries to turn in Dean’s arms.</p><p>“You’re not broken,” Dean says and Castiel puts his hand on Dean’s arm.</p><p>“I can never make it up to you,” Dean says and blinks away the tears. Castiel is silent.</p><p>“But I want to try,” Dean says and lifts his head. Castiel is looking at him.</p><p>“I can’t go on without you,” Dean says and Castiel puts a hand on Dean’s cheek.</p><p>“I can’t live in a world where you don’t exist,” Dean says and Castiel is wiping away a tear.</p><p>“You’ve always been worth the world, Cas,” Dean says and his lip quivers. Castiel puts a finger on it.</p><p>“Please come back to me,” Dean whispers and closes his eyes.</p><p>“Dean,” Castiel says and Dean looks at him.</p><p>“I love you,” Castiel says and Dean laughs with a broken cry.</p><p>“Please come back to me,” Dean whimpers, “I want you with me.”</p><p>Before Castiel can answer, he’s fading away.</p><p>Everything is fading away and Dean fights, he fights <em>so hard</em> to hold on but everything is slipping through his fingers.</p><p>“Cas!” He yells. “Cas! Cas! Cas, <em>please</em>!”</p><p>“Cas, please don’t leave me!”</p><p>In the end, nothing remains.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>Eileen holds Sam tight. Dean is sitting on the ground and Jack has put his hand on his shoulder. It feels wrong.</p><p>“You tried all you could,” Jack says and Dean thinks he’s a crappy liar.</p><p>It’s never enough. He was just there, witnessing all this and he couldn’t even change anything in the end.</p><p>“It’s okay,” he says. He wonders if Cas had felt just as hollow whenever he had to tell himself that it was okay. He can’t ever make it up to Cas. Dean’s had the most pure being just within arm’s reach and he’s fucked up.</p><p>He couldn’t even say it. He couldn’t even say <em>I love you</em> back. What has been the point? He hadn’t even been able to say it back. Cas deserves better than this.</p><p><em>You have to keep fighting</em>, Cas had once said. And maybe Dean has to do just that. What else does he have left?</p><p>He looks over to Sam and Eileen. They look at him with pity and he hates it.</p><p>“Let’s go,” he says instead and stands up. He can see that Sam wants to say something but he shakes his head. He doesn’t want to hear it. He doesn’t need to be patronised. It’s okay. It’s going to be okay. If Cas had always been able to move on, then so could Dean.</p><p>He heads for the car.</p><p>He thinks about the trench coat in the back.</p><p>“I love you, Castiel,” he whispers into the wind, but nobody answers.</p><p> </p><p>Two weeks pass and Dean tries. He wants to drink, but he doesn’t. He wants to hole up in his room, but he takes Miracle on walks instead. Cas would be proud of him, taking care of himself. And in time, he would be able to get out further. Get a job, get new friends. In time, Dean would get there. He prays to Cas every night and somewhere in his heart he hopes that Cas can still hear him. It gives him comfort.</p><p>“You know, Miracle,” he says while he’s collecting the dog poop. “You would’ve liked Cas. He makes me really happy, you know? Just like you do.”</p><p>The dog barks excitedly and Dean smiles.</p><p>“And Cas would’ve liked you too. He has a tan coat, you know? It’s the one you always try to sniff like there are treats inside the pockets. Cas would’ve always had some for you, you know? He’s good like that. You would’ve gotten along really well.”</p><p>Miracle whines and tries to cheer him up. Dean laughs a little.</p><p>“Now, now. It’s okay. I’m okay. I’ll miss him, I’ll miss him forever but I have to keep living, y’know? For Cas. Cas wouldn’t want me to wallow in self-pity for all eternity. So I’ll do it for him. I’ll be the man he saw in me because I know I can be. I just need a little more time. And you’ll be here for me, won’t you?”</p><p>Miracle barks as if to say <em>of course</em>. Dean laughs.</p><p>“Of course,” he echoes. Castiel said it all the time. Dean realises now that must’ve meant <em>of course I love you</em>, at least on some end.</p><p>“The purest being in the universe loves me,” Dean says. “You should’ve seen him smile, Miracle. You wouldn’t love me so much if you’d ever see him smile. I should’ve made him smile more.”</p><p> </p><p>“We bought a house,” Sam says two months later. Dean just nods. It was inevitable and he’s happy for them. He smiles.</p><p>“That’s great, Sammy,” he says, “as long as I get a key?”</p><p>Sam laughs and shoves at him. It feels good. Life has to go on. He’s going to be okay. He looks to Eileen who’s making a small <em>shush</em> motion and Dean just winks.</p><p>“You could come with us, Dean. I don’t want to leave you here alone.”</p><p>Dean looks around. Sam’s right. Being alone in the Bunker isn’t going to be good for his mental health. But he doesn’t want to impose on Sam and Eileen. He needs a job. He’s wallowed long enough.</p><p>Dean nods.</p><p>“You’re right. I need a job, a real one with money. I’ll only sit on you as long as I absolutely have to, but you’re right. It’d be too quiet here, just on my own.”</p><p>He needs to move on.</p><p>
  <em>I’m proud of you, Dean.</em>
</p><p>Dean smiles. Cas is with him, always. It’s a good feeling.</p><p>He stands up and hugs his family. They hug back.</p><p>It feels good.</p><p>The ache will never go away, but it feels good.</p><p>Someday, he’ll be at peace.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. a barn in which we meet</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>IT'S NOT THE END THERE WILL BE MORE! (:</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sam is ecstatic. Eileen just revealed to him that she’s pregnant. Dean has been waiting to see Sam’s reaction and he couldn’t be happier. He’s moved out of their place a month ago and is now living in a rather crappy apartment but he’s always over at their house anyway.</p>
<p><em>I’m gonna be an uncle, Cas</em>.</p>
<p>It feels weird but Sam is so happy. Sam hugs him and Dean makes sure to tell him that he’s gonna be a great Dad. Of course, Dean is going to be a greater Uncle, no two questions about it. Eileen laughs at them and it feels good to have a family. Miracle barks and Dean laughs to include the dog in the hug.</p>
<p>Cas would be proud of him. Dean has a job. It’s not a great job, but it’s a job outside the life. In time, he’ll make friends, too.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“He kissed you?” Sam asks three months later and Dean nods.</p>
<p>“What was it like?”</p>
<p>Dean shakes his head. He doesn’t know. David had been flirting with him for about two months now and Dean <em>wants</em> to explore this side of him, it’s just – it’s just difficult. He feels as if he’s done a disservice to Cas.</p>
<p>“It wasn’t Cas,” he says and Sam nods.</p>
<p>“I know, Dean, but – Cas is gone. Don’t you think he’d want you to be happy?”</p>
<p>Of course Cas would want that. Cas would want Dean to get a partner. Cas would want someone in Dean’s life that would do everything the angel had never been able to do – but it still feels wrong. It’s not Cas. Maybe that will be the fault with everyone: they will never be Cas.</p>
<p>“Go on a date with him,” Sam says, “just to see what it’s like. If you don’t like it, then stop it, yeah? But give him a chance, at least. He’s not a creeper, right?”</p>
<p>No, David is nice. Under different circumstances, Dean might’ve even liked him.</p>
<p>“We’ll see,” Dean replies and they both know that nothing will come of it.</p>
<p>It’s not Cas.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eileen was eight months pregnant when Sam found a case. “Something’s killing monsters,” he says.</p>
<p>Normally, Dean wouldn’t be too concerned with this – monsters could kill other monsters for all he cared but this – whatever it was, it killed too many too quickly. It would make whole nests mad and then they’d beseech the town.</p>
<p>Dean doesn’t want Sam to go, not so shortly before the birth of his daughter but he can’t go alone, either. So they’re going to go together. If everything goes well, they don’t have to kill something. After all, whatever monster-killer is out there might not be aware of the impact of what they’re doing.</p>
<p>“Let’s go, then,” Dean says.</p>
<p>Eileen is upset about staying behind but she knows it’s better this way. “You look out for him,” she says to Dean and he laughs.</p>
<p>“With my life,” he promises.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It feels good to take the Impala on a long stretch again. Miracle stayed behind with Eileen and it’s just him and his little brother on the road. It almost feels like the old times. They were rushing in to save the day, heroes once more.</p>
<p>Cas would be proud of them.</p>
<p>“Know anything about that monster-killer?”</p>
<p>“No,” Sam says. “But get this: all the killings happen in the same place, suggesting that it’s not moving around. In fact, it might even be that the other monsters seek <em>it</em> out for whatever reason so maybe it’s acting in self-defense?”</p>
<p>Dean just nods. That might be possible.</p>
<p>A long time ago, he believed that all monsters were evil. But he’d been wrong. They were also just trying to survive. If they were good, they got to live. And if they were bad, they got dead. If one would look at it from this angle, it wouldn’t be that complicated at all.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It doesn’t take long to arrive at the scene. No humans have come to harm as of yet, so there’s no need to identify as the FBI again. They could just get in and get out.</p>
<p>“We don’t know what we’re dealing with,” Sam warns him and Dean nods. He’s not suicidal. He has his gun and he also has his angel blade. He’d be fine. Castiel’s coat is in the trunk. Dean took it with him wherever he went. He would never be too old for a comfort blanket.</p>
<p>It’s a barn. Somehow, Dean was expecting this. He looks around. There are no monsters than he can hear so he hopes that they’ve come at a good time. The trees though – they look odd. They are all bended outwards as if a bomb had dropped.</p>
<p>“Where are the bodies?”</p>
<p>“Maybe whoever is killing them gets rid of them after?”</p>
<p>Sam shrugs, and Dean mimics him. It doesn’t really matter, either.</p>
<p>“Stay behind me,” Dean says and Sam scoffs. He steps up next to Dean and looks at him.</p>
<p>“Together,” he says and Dean smiles.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They don’t get attacked when they enter. Maybe they’re not a threat to that thing. The barn has numerous holes in the ceiling so at least a little light is shining through. They cautiously walk further in. Dean is expecting an attack any second and the longer time goes on, the more anxious he gets. He just doesn’t want the monster to jump out of the dark and attack Sam. What would he tell Eileen? Dean is still crap at Sign Language.</p>
<p>There is a loud, and yet muffled sound and Dean points his gun at it. He looks over to Sam who just nods and Dean takes the lead. There. He can see it, nestled against the wall. It’s a blob that looks vaguely human-shaped. Its hand is outstretched but the arm is shaking and the thing looks like it’s covered in goo.</p>
<p>Dean lowers his gun. Whatever it is, it’s afraid. Sam steps up next to him, also putting his gun away.</p>
<p>“Hey,” Sam starts in a soft tone and the thing flinches, “we’re not here to hurt you.”</p>
<p>The hand stays outstretched for a moment but then the arm gets lowered. The poor thing is shaking.</p>
<p>“My name is Sam,” the thing moves a little, “and I’m here with my brother Dean.”</p>
<p>There is a low keening noise and Dean doesn’t know what to make of it.</p>
<p>“We want to help you, if we can.”</p>
<p>The thing falls forward on all fours and drags itself closer to them. Whatever the goo is, it clings tightly to the body and Dean feels sorry for whatever’s underneath. The thing has to stop every few inches, clearly exhausted. Dean feels for whatever it is. It starts punching its hand into the ground and Dean realises that it’s writing something down.</p>
<p><em>Where,</em> it says.</p>
<p>“You’re in Kansas,” he replies and the thing turns in his direction. It shakes and Dean thinks it’s just about to collapse. How long has it been here, weighed down by this goo? How long has it waited for someone like Sam and Dean to show up?</p>
<p>“Hey,” he says a little softer. “We’re going to get that stuff off of you and then we can talk, like civilised people, yeah?”</p>
<p>The thing’s head droops a little and Dean finds it very endearing. It looks almost like a head tilt. “Okay, so,” he starts but then there are noises outside. Dean realises instantly that more monsters have come.</p>
<p>“Sammy,” he hisses but Sam is already in position. Dean stays close to Goo who’s heaving a little. Dean doesn’t understand why he wants to protect Goo but he finds he simply has to.</p>
<p>Seven guys trot in and Dean guesses that they might be Vampires. Damn, he’s packed the wrong bullets. Still, shooting them would slow them down for a moment so that he could stab them with the knife. It’s easy to slip back into the Killer Dean Winchester and he hates it. What would Cas have to say about all this?</p>
<p>“Ah, the Winchesters! I had believed you had retired. So sad to see I was wrong. But no worry – me and my friends will gladly help you along!”</p>
<p>Damn he hates vampires. They just fucking suck.</p>
<p>“Oh yeah? So how about you eat... this...”</p>
<p>They just exploded. In front of his eyes, they just exploded in a flash of light and Dean looks down at Goo. His hand his outstretched, just like before and something coils in Dean’s stomach. It couldn’t be. No, that’s just ridiculous.</p>
<p>Sam’s looking over at them too but Dean pays him no mind because – because Goo just slumps to the ground and Dean’s heart sinks. No. No no no no no no. Please don’t. He drops his gun and falls to the floor, grabbing Goo and lifting him up. He doesn’t care that he gets the ugly sticky stuff all over himself.</p>
<p>“Cas,” he whispers but Goo doesn’t reply. “Please, please. Cas, <em>please.</em>”</p>
<p> </p>
<p> With Sam’s help, they get Goo into the car. In the back of his head, Dean isn’t looking forward to having to clean Baby from this stuff but he doesn’t really mind. If this is Cas – it has to be, <em>it has to be</em> – he doesn’t care at all. He slides in the backseat and Sam drives towards the nearest motel. Dean shrugs off his jacket and puts it around Goo’s shoulders, hoping to at least fool the majority of people into thinking that this was just another normal person. And if they didn’t – well they are very welcome to lick his boots.</p>
<p>Sam walks into the reception area of this Motel 5 and Dean tries to wake up Goo again but he’s still out like a light.</p>
<p>“Cas,” he says. “Cas, I’ve missed you so much. Please. Please, be real.”</p>
<p>His voice doesn’t sound like his own.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Together, they drag Goo into their room. Without stopping, they immediately continue on into the bathroom. There’s no tub, sadly – Sam had inquired – so the shower would have to do. They shove Goo inside and turn the warm water on. Dean doesn’t want to use cold water. Cas doesn’t deserve cold water.</p>
<p>“It doesn’t come off,” Dean says and Sam clenches his jaw. Why isn’t it coming off? Dean’s breath starts to pick up until Sam puts his hand on his shoulder.</p>
<p>“Breathe,” he reminds his brother and so Dean takes a deep breath. He nods and Sam turns the water off. The get Goo back out of the shower and haul him into the main room. They lay him upon a bed and Dean sits next to him. Sam gets on his phone, presumably to call Eileen and let her know what’s up.</p>
<p>“Cas,” Dean says quietly. “Please. If it’s you, then please – please give me a sign.”</p>
<p>There is nothing and Dean loses hope. But then he sees a small light flicker in the middle of Goo and Dean’s desperate enough to take it.</p>
<p>“Cas,” he says again and puts his hand on Goo’s face. “I’m here, baby. Tell me how to help you. Please. I need you back, Cas. I can’t – I’ve tried. Cas, I’ve tried to do it without you and I’m <em>fine</em>, y’know but it’s not – it’s not enough, y’know?</p>
<p>There’s this guy. David. He’s nice, yeah? He kissed me a few months ago and – I don’t know. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t – it wasn’t you. But I wanted to try. You’d want me to be happy, to find a partner that’ll love me and – I wanted to try. So I asked him out, Cas. He’s a nice guy. He makes jokes and he likes Baby and he likes Pizza and he even indulges me on my cowboy fetish. Remember when I made you wear that hat? Those were good times, Cas. Anyway, I – we, we had, uh... we had sex. It was just one time, but well, it – I don’t know. It wasn’t bad, I think – I don’t really know, I’ve never done it before, but – it was alright. It was just okay and I’ve told him as much and he looked at me and said <em>you’re still in love with someone else</em> and fuck, Cas, he’s right. I tried to use David as this filler, to try and get over you before I was ready and I –</p>
<p>Fuck, Cas. I love you. I can’t get over you; how do I even start? I think about you every day. Did you hear my prayers? I’ve never stopped. I thought, that maybe, if I pray enough, that you’d hear me someday.”</p>
<p>Dean leans forward and presses his forehead against Goo. It feels gross, but this is <em>Cas</em>.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough last time. I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to bring you back. You deserve more than me and I’ll never understand why your dumb ass fell in love with me. Jack became God, y’know? You were right about him. I’m just – I’m so sad you’ll never get to experience the world now. You should’ve gotten the chance to say good-bye to him and I... I...</p>
<p>Cas, please. Come back to me.</p>
<p>I – I <em>know</em> I can live without you. It’ll be empty and cold and sad, but I <em>could</em>. The point is, Cas, I <em>don’t want to</em>. I don’t want to live somewhere where you do not. Even if we can’t go back to the way things were, I need to know – I need to know that you’re alive.</p>
<p>What’s Heaven without its best angel?</p>
<p>What’s the Righteous Man without his saviour?</p>
<p>...</p>
<p>Cas, please. I don’t... I don’t have any other words.</p>
<p>I love you.</p>
<p>I love you.</p>
<p>I love you.</p>
<p>I want to tell you.</p>
<p>I want to hold your hand and I want to kiss your hair and I want to be gross with you and I...</p>
<p>I just want you.</p>
<p>I just...</p>
<p>Please. Cas. Please...”</p>
<p>His throat hurts, and he cries.</p>
<p>*</p>
<p>At night, Dean lies next to Goo. He’s holding Goo’s hand as much as he can and he sleeps. He’s never got to sleep in the same bed as Cas before. He wishes that they would’ve had more opportunities before but it was too late now.</p>
<p><em>I’ll watch over you</em>.</p>
<p>Dean wishes he could’ve watched over Castiel at least one time.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Dean wakes by someone shaking him rapidly. He doesn’t want to wake up. Miracle can walk herself. He’s dreaming about Cas walking in a field. He doesn’t want to leave the dream. But the shaking doesn’t stop. So he rolls on his back and blinks angrily at whoever woke him. Sam.</p>
<p>Of course it’s fucking Sam.</p>
<p>“Dean,” he breathes and he there’s this look in his eyes. He’s looking next to Dean and so Dean turns his head and –</p>
<p>“Cas,” he whispers.</p>
<p>Goo is gone and all that’s left is Cas.</p>
<p>Dean cries.</p>
<p>He can’t stop. He doesn’t even try.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Cas doesn’t really respond to anything when he wakes up. But Dean doesn’t care. Cas is here. Cas is alive. He’s slapped himself several times just to make sure that he was really awake. It’s hard to pry Dean away from Cas even just for a minute.</p>
<p>Sam is worried that Cas is so unresponsive to anything and on some level, Dean is too, but at the moment, he doesn’t care.</p>
<p>“Cas,” is the only thing Dean is really capable of saying and every time he does, he feels like Cas’ eyes snap in his direction at least a little. That’s good, right? That’s some sort of response and that’s good. They’ll figure it out. They always do. Team Free Will was together again and they could tackle everything.</p>
<p>One day after Goo turned into Cas, they made the drive back home. Dean lets Sam drive so that he can stay in the backseat with Cas. It feels so good to have his angel leaning against him. Dean had detested it, but they’ve done a test: they’ve cut Cas with the angel blade and there had been grace shimmering beneath the surface.</p>
<p>On the way home, Dean murmurs to Cas constantly and he wants to believe that the angel can understand him. And even if he can’t – he just wants to talk to Cas. He can’t even count the days since he’s last been so happy.</p>
<p>“I love you,” he whispers again and again and maybe, just maybe, Cas moves his head every time he says it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They decide that Cas would stay at Dean’s apartment. Sam had been debating if Cas shouldn’t maybe stay with him and Eileen – after all they had a whole house. But they’d be having a baby pretty soon. Dean was able to devote himself to Cas entirely. And most importantly, Dean doesn’t want to stay away from Cas for any amount of time. He’s utterly convinced that Cas reacted to his voice in the car. Yes, maybe it had been just a coincidence but Dean needs to believe that there is more to it. Cas loves him. He loves Cas.</p>
<p>“Just be careful, Dean,” Sam had said while Dean clutched Cas to his chest. “If anything happens, call me.”</p>
<p>Dean had nodded and ascended the stairs.</p>
<p>Castiel is lying on his couch for most of the day. Dean wants to believe that Cas watches him. He enjoys this – being watched by Cas. It had been too long. He couldn’t stop smiling because he’s happy.</p>
<p>Cas is alive. Cas is here.</p>
<p>It’s like a dream come true.</p>
<p>At night, Cas lies in bed next to him and Dean presses soft kisses against his temple. He doesn’t dare do more and he’s content like this. He holds Castiel’s hand the entire night and if he wishes hard enough he can imagine that Castiel squeezes his hand back.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Dean,” Castiel says and Dean cries.</p>
<p>Castiel doesn’t speak again but Dean can’t stop crying.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Sam just called,” Dean informs Cas who is lying on the couch. Cas’ eyes flicker to him, half-understanding. “Eileen just went into labour. I wanna go there, Cas, I wanna meet my niece. Do you... do you want to come?”</p>
<p>He’s not expecting a response. He always wants one, but he never expects it.</p>
<p>“I,” Castiel says and his voice is terribly hoarse but Dean drops the phone nonetheless.</p>
<p>“Want,” Castiel keeps on saying before he hacks up an ugly cough. Dean cries and rushes over to him.</p>
<p>Cas looks at him with tired eyes, but he sees him, he looks at him, he’s <em>here</em> –</p>
<p>“Anything you want, baby,” Dean whispers. “Anything you want.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The nurses tell Dean that Sam and Eileen are inside but that he’s not allowed to go in. They were nice enough to give him a wheelchair for Cas – as much as Dean loves to pretend he’s a strong macho man, Cas is still six feet tall and really fucking heavy.</p>
<p>“They’re just inside there,” Dean says to Cas who’s looking at the floor. “Sam’s gonna be a dad.”</p>
<p>He can scarcely believe it himself. Sammy’s going to be a dad.</p>
<p>“Father,” Castiel says and Dean smiles. This is good. This is so good. Castiel can hear him and he can even respond.</p>
<p>“I’m so proud of you, Cas.”</p>
<p>Castiel looks at him with his big, blue, unblinking eyes. He frowns. Fuck, Dean had missed him so much.</p>
<p>“Jack,” he says and tries to look around.</p>
<p>“He’s God now, Cas. It’s like you always said – he’s destined for great things.”</p>
<p>Cas looks a bit upset.</p>
<p>“Goodbye,” he rasps and his eyes become frantic. “Where,” he says and starts coughing.</p>
<p>Oh god, no no no no. Cas is coughing up the same black goo he had been covered with.</p>
<p>“Cas, Cas, baby, please,” Dean whines.</p>
<p>Cas’ whole body shakes and Dean can tell that he’s trying to reign the coughs in. His good, pure, strong angel. Cas looks up at Dean, heaving heavily with tears in his eyes.</p>
<p>Dean presses kisses on his face – his cheeks, his forehead, his nose, his chin.</p>
<p>“So good. You’re so good. We’ll fix this. I promise. We’ll fix this, together. I’m not letting you go. I’m never letting you go again, Cas.”</p>
<p>“Dean,” Cas says quietly and slumps against him. Dean can feel him breathing and he wraps his arms around him.</p>
<p>“I love you,” Dean says and Cas presses his forehead against Dean’s neck.</p>
<p>*</p>
<p>It takes ten hours, but then Dean officially becomes an uncle. Castiel had been asleep for a good amount of time, but at least he hasn’t coughed again. Of course, Dean is a bit worried about the sleeping but he’ll figure that out. All that matters is that he’s got Cas by his side and that he’s now got a little baby girl to spoil.</p>
<p>Once he gets the clear, he rolls Cas into the room and Sam and Eileen both look tired but also so, so happy. They light up even more when they see Cas.</p>
<p>“Cas,” Sam says and smiles at him. Cas looks up at Sam and blinks slowly.</p>
<p>“Sam,” he replies hoarsely.</p>
<p>Sam looks to Dean in utter disbelief and Dean can just smile. “Show us the baby, yeah?”</p>
<p>Eileen moves the blanket aside a bit so that they can take a look at the little bundle of joy. Her face is all scrunched up and she’s just adorable.</p>
<p>“Sammy, are you sure she’s really <em>your</em> daughter?”</p>
<p>Sam shoves him playfully. “You’re such a dick.”</p>
<p>“Baby,” Cas says and Eileen smiles at him.</p>
<p>“Do you want to hold her?”</p>
<p>It doesn’t seem like Cas understands at first, but then he nods. He raises his arms and Eileen places her daughter in them without a second thought. Both Sam and Dean are ready to interfere in case Cas’ arms would not be steady enough to hold the baby but it turns out they needn’t have worried.</p>
<p>“Hello,” Cas says to the child who wiggles a bit in his arms.</p>
<p>“Her name’s Maria,” Sam supplies and Castiel slowly nods.</p>
<p>“Maria,” he says. He slowly puts a finger on her tiny nose. His finger glows and Dean worries. What’s going on?</p>
<p>Cas looks at Eileen but he doesn’t move to give the baby back. Eileen just looks at him, then she slowly nods and smiles. She signs something and Cas turns his head to Sam.</p>
<p>“Fix,” he says. “Heart.”</p>
<p>“She... she has a heart problem?”</p>
<p>Castiel shakes his head. “Not... not anymore. I. I fix. I. Take. I...,” he closes his eyes in strain. “It’s gone now. They. Would. They would not have. Noticed. It’s small. But I. I took it.” His voice sounds like it pains him greatly. He slumps in his chair a bit but holds Maria tight.</p>
<p>“Dean,” he says and Dean’s by his side in a flash. “I want. I want to see Jack.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>*</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When they are back at home, Dean prays to Jack. Cas fell asleep in the car as soon as they started driving back home and he hasn’t woken up since. But he also hasn’t coughed again which is probably a good sign.</p>
<p>“Hey, Jack,” Dean says, looking out the window. He’s put Cas into bed and is sitting next to him. The soft breathing behind him calms Dean and he wouldn’t move away from it for the world.</p>
<p>“I don’t know if you noticed, but we got Cas back. I don’t know how, if you were involved or not and if you can even hear me, but – he’s back, Jack. Cas is back.”</p>
<p>It still sounds like a dream.</p>
<p>“And he – Jack, he wants to see you. He didn’t get to say good-bye, y’know? He really misses you and, Jack, he’s – he’s sick or something. We found him covered in some black goo – you know, it kinda looked the Empty Goo thing, but I don’t – the goo is gone now, but he’s weak and he was coughing that stuff up earlier today and – I just... Jack, please come here. Fix him? He deserves it, yeah? So... just please, when you have a moment off from being God, could you... just pop in?”</p>
<p>Dean isn’t expecting Jack to instantly appear in the room, but – he somehow is. He sighs and turns around to Castiel fully. He’s sleeping peacefully and Dean smiles. He takes Cas’ hand and softly strokes the skin.</p>
<p>Miracle miracles herself into the bedroom and sniffs at Cas extensively. Cas doesn’t react to her but Dean smiles at the dog. He isn’t even sure if Cas knows that there’s a dog here. Miracle clearly doesn’t know what to make of the strange new man yet and Dean can’t blame her.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry I’ve been neglecting you, girl,” he says and Miracle huffs. She looks at him expectantly. Dean laughs.</p>
<p>“But this is Cas, yeah? They guy I told you about. The guy that died? I’m sorry, girl. I’ll make it up to you when he’s better. And he’s getting better, he just needs a little more time, yeah? So... how about you help? If we both shower him with love, then he’ll get back on his feet even quicker, yeah? And then all three of us can go on a walk together.”</p>
<p>At the word “walk”, Miracle perked up and started wagging her tail. She then proceeds to climb up on the bed and snuggle up to Cas as if she had actually understood Dean. And he has a pretty good feeling that she actually had. Dean laughed and lays down himself, intertwining his fingers with Cas. His niece had just been born, Cas had been incredibly responsive today and everything would work out.</p>
<p>They just need a little more time.</p>
<p>A little more time, and then all of them could sit a table together, enjoying a family dinner.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. a soul as gentle as a star</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Part 3! Fair warning: there is brief death in this chapter. I haven't marked it, because it's important, and also because it's the only logical conclusion. But as I said: it is BRIEF. <br/>There should be one more part after this (:</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dean is sobbing. He can’t stop. Cas has been sick for a whole week already and still, Jack has not shown up. Dean had to shoo Miracle out of the room because he’s afraid that she’s going to get sick too.</p><p>Dean doesn’t know what to do. There’s a fever running through Castiel and no matter what Dean does, it won’t go down. The few times that Cas is awake, he’s puking up his guts over the toilet – all black goo and Dean’s heart breaks. Cas is crying before he passes out again and Dean can’t help. Cas is losing weight and it’s hard to even get him to drink water. Jack doesn’t come.</p><p>He pets Castiel’s hair and whispers sweet nothings into his ear. Cas never responds and Dean cries in his damp hair. What’s he supposed to do? He can barely eat food himself. The only thing keeping him from breaking down completely is Miracle because she’ll remind him of feeding her and walking her and honestly, Dean is glad for the temporary distraction she provides.</p><p>“Cas,” he says and Cas whimpers.</p><p>“Cas, baby, please come back to me.”</p><p>His fever goes up.</p><p> </p><p>A month later, it’s not better. Dean only functions whenever Miracle forces him to. It’s been a while since Cas woke up to puke. Dean tries not to dwell on it. He spends his days laying in bed next to Cas, staring at a wall in silence. The only sound is Cas’ shallow breathing and Dean doesn’t know what to do.</p><p>He hasn’t really gotten Cas back and now he’s about to lose him again.</p><p>Why has Jack not shown up?</p><p>Doesn’t he care about them anymore?</p><p>He’s always said that he considered Cas to be his father, but does he just stop caring like that?</p><p>“Jack,” Dean whispers into the void, “please.”</p><p>Nobody answers him.</p><p>Castiel’s chest rattles.</p><p> </p><p>A week later, Sam shows up. Dean has been trying to pretend that everything was going fine, just to avoid Sam coming here. Maybe he shouldn’t have given his brother a key.</p><p>“Dean,” Sam says sternly and Dean can barely lift his head. He doesn’t remember the last time he’s eaten something. He hopes he didn’t neglect Miracle too much.</p><p>“He’s sick, Sammy,” he rasps and Sam’s expression softens. He walks over to the bed and feels Cas’ temperature.</p><p>“Dean,” he says, “we have to bring him to a hospital.”</p><p>Dean shakes his head. “He’s an angel.”</p><p>“He needs <em>help</em>.”</p><p>Sam doesn’t understand. Dean’s afraid that they will understand that Cas isn’t human and take him away. They’ll take him away and Dean will never get to see him again and they’re going to conduct experiments on him and Cas won’t understand and he’ll be in pain and Dean wouldn’t be able to save him because he can’t overthrow the government and Cas will think that Dean gave him to these people and he’ll resent Dean and wish him the worst and wish he’d never pull Dean out of hell –</p><p>“Dean, <em>breathe</em>.”</p><p>Dean sobs loudly and starts to cry. He doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t know what to do.</p><p>“Please, let me take care of you. Of both of you.”</p><p>Dean sobs and doesn’t argue. He can’t. He can’t do it anymore. If he loses Cas again, then – then...</p><p>Who knows what he’ll do.</p><p>*</p><p>“Your friend doesn’t have long.”</p><p>Dean barely understands the doctor. Castiel is filled up with that black goo stuff – his lungs, his stomach, everything. Jack still doesn’t show. Cas is dying, again, and Jack doesn’t care. It’s almost like there’s no change at all.</p><p>If Jack doesn’t even want to save his father, what good is he?</p><p>They give Cas an infusion. Sam asks if Dean can get one too but he refuses. He’s fine. He doesn’t need any help. He just wants to sit here, next to Cas and be with him until the very end. Just like last time. Dean reaches for Cas’ hand and holds it loosely in his own.</p><p>“I’m here,” he whispers, “I’m here.”</p><p>It’s empty. These words mean nothing. Dean hangs his head.</p><p>In the end, it didn’t matter.</p><p> </p><p>Two days later, Castiel dies.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>Dean has pamphlets. They gave him pamphlets but he hasn’t looked at them. He sits on his bed and stares out of the window. Sam has Miracle. Dean told him to take her. Castiel is in the morgue.</p><p>Why did this happen?</p><p>Why didn’t Jack come?</p><p>Dean prayed to him every waking second.</p><p>Why did Jack ignore him? Hands off or not – this is his father.</p><p>Dean doesn’t understand.</p><p>It makes no sense.</p><p> Maybe this is a dream. A terrible, terrible nightmare and Dean just has to find a way to wake up.</p><p>He remembers the nightmare djinns. It must be like that, right? Everything is just a dream and he just has to wake up.</p><p>Die.</p><p>He has to die to wake up.</p><p>And when he does, Cas’ll be there and he’ll be worried and hug him and Dean’ll hug him back and everything will be okay again.</p><p>Cas won’t be dead, then.</p><p>Dean gets up from the bed.</p><p>He walks over to the window and opens it. He bends forward and looks down. It would be quite the fall. But it’s going to be worth it. Down there, Cas will be waiting for him. If he imagines hard enough, then he can almost see Cas standing down there with open arms.</p><p>Dean smiles.</p><p>He’s safe.</p><p>His angel will catch him.</p><p>His angel will always catch him.</p><p>Dean closes his eyes.</p><p>His hands are shaking.</p><p>“Cas,” he whispers.</p><p>No matter what, at the end Cas will be there.</p><p>“Dean,” someone says and stops him.</p><p>He turns around.</p><p>“Jack.”</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>Dean steps away from the window and he can only stare. Jack is here. Why is Jack here <em>now</em>, when it’s pointless?</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Jack starts and Dean swallows down his anger. He wants to yell, he wants to scream and he wants to grab this kid and shake him. But he doesn’t. At least the kid looks guilty.</p><p>“Why didn’t you come sooner?” His voice is hoarse and Dean’s glad he didn’t yell. His voice would’ve given out.</p><p>“I heard you, I did, I swear. But Dean, I can’t fix the Empty. So I <em>tried</em>, I looked how to help Cas. I <em>care</em> about him, Dean, he’s my father. But I didn’t want to come here without a solution. If I would’ve come and would’ve said I can’t do anything, you would’ve lost hope immediately. I’m – I’m sorry that I’m late. But we can fix this, Dean. Look.”</p><p>Jack is holding something in his hands. He opens them somewhat so that Dean can take a peek. It’s glowing and Dean doesn’t know what it is.</p><p>“It’s a soul,” Jack says, “well, at least as much as I can make.”</p><p>Dean frowns.</p><p>“It will help Cas to battle the goo inside of him. The Empty has no dominion over souls, you know?”</p><p>Dean shakes his head. “Jack, he’s dead.”</p><p>Jack clenches his jaw. “And that’s <em>why we save him.</em>”</p><p>Dean looks at Jack’s hands. A soul. He doesn’t know what that means for Cas but if Jack is so sure it’ll save him... why shouldn’t they try?</p><p>It’s not like Cas could get anymore dead.</p><p>So he nods.</p><p>“Let’s go, then.”</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>It’s surprisingly easy to break into the morgue. Apparently they don’t really guard their dead and well – your kid being God probably helps too. Dean gets an uneasy feeling in this place. Cas is in one of these, dead. His hands start shaking again. But he has to pull through. For Cas.</p><p>For Cas.</p><p>With shaky legs, Dean walks over to the one that says “Castiel Winchester” on it and opens it. He takes a deep breath and pulls the gurney out. He closes his eyes. He doesn’t want to look. He doesn’t want to see Cas all pale; all dead. He doesn’t think he could take it.</p><p>“Dean,” Jack says and Dean’s eyes snap to him. He’s holding out his hands.</p><p>“It’s got to be you,” he says and on auto-pilot, Dean reaches out and takes this soul Jack is offering him. It feels warm in his hands. It feels a little bit like a baby bird.</p><p>“Cas,” he says and he feels as if the soul in his end flickers. “Come back to me.”</p><p>He holds his hands over Castiel’s chest, looking at Jack who nods. Dean nods back and presses the soul inside.</p><p> </p><p>First, nothing happens and Dean wants to panic. He looks at Jack who’s frowning.</p><p>No no no no no no no this isn’t good. It’s not working, it’s not working –</p><p>Castiel tears his eyes open and he’s gasping for air, heaving dryly. Dean chokes down a sob, but Castiel grabs his own chest as if he’s struggling to breathe and his blue eyes fly to Jack. The kid just shakes his head and takes Castiel’s hand in his own.</p><p>“Fight it, Cas. I know you can do this. You’re stronger than it. You’re the only angel in all of existence that ever walked out of the Empty of his own will. Out of his own might. The Empty has no power over you – it never had. Why do you think it hated you so much?</p><p>It was afraid of you, Cas, because it knew only you could ever walk away from a confrontation. You’re the angel that defied and defied and defied again. The Empty can’t hold you. It never could. You were awake, and you found your own way out. Do you even know how much power that takes? How much will? And <em>you did it</em>.</p><p>You did this, with no help, no assistance, and <em>you survived</em>. The Empty followed you outside and you <em>overpowered it</em>. It tried to drag you down, again and again, but you kept fighting and you kept <em>winning</em>. I can only ever hope to be as strong as you, Cas.</p><p>You <em>are</em> Free Will. You’ve always been. Without you – without you, Chuck would’ve determined the ending. But he didn’t. Because you made us believe that we can choose our own path. That we can choose who we want to be.</p><p>You’re stronger than the Empty, Cas. It cannot defeat you.</p><p>You loved me, you believed in me, you supported me when I didn’t deserve it. You explained the world to me; and <em>you</em> made me see that it’s worth loving. The way you’d talk about a roadside flower and what a miracle it is, I – I saw the little things. I saw the things that make the world what it is. It’s not about the big battles, the big wins or even the big losses – it’s about the things you never appreciate. The roadside flower, the leaves on the trees or the rustling of the wind.</p><p>And with – with everything you said, I realised – I realised that you thought... that you believed you were lesser than these things. That the dirt on the ground deserved better than you. You praised everything – Sam, Dean, me, the world – but never yourself. You are the guy I look up to most because – because you’re so kind, and caring and full of love. I heard – I heard the birds sing and thought they must be singing about you. I saw flowers bloom and I thought they must be doing this for you.</p><p>You are so good, and so kind and I – I <em>will</em> make a world that appreciates you. I will make a world in which you are loved, unconditionally.</p><p>I love you, Cas. I’m sorry it took me so long.</p><p>The Empty can’t take you away from me. I won’t let it. You crawled your way back here again and again, and I <em>will</em> make sure that you’re rewarded.</p><p>You taught me I can choose my own destiny. That I can choose my own path. And you told me that I will forever be loved, no matter what. And you did. No matter what I did, you loved me. You loved me unconditionally, and I never appreciated it. I took it for granted but then I realised – you were never loved like that. You were never – you were never told that you are loved. But I do.</p><p>I do, and Sam does, and Dean does and so many more. You, of all people, deserve the world. And I’ll give it to you.</p><p>I love you, Cas. I’ll say it now, and I’ll say it a hundred times. You are loved, Castiel, now and forever.</p><p>And whatever sins you believe you committed – sins that you believe that cannot be forgiven – I give you absolution.</p><p>You are forgiven, Castiel. You were always forgiven.</p><p>I love you. I love you so, so much.</p><p>I <em>can</em> be God, I am, but... I can’t do it without you. What if I stop looking at the small things? What if I end up like Chuck? I need you, Cas. I need you to remind me of a fallen leaf, of a newborn bird. I need you to remind me of the wonders of the world.</p><p>You were always fighting. And most times, the enemy was yourself and nobody of us helped you. You’re stronger than I could ever hope to be.</p><p>You’re my father, Cas. Sam and Dean are so, so important to me, but – I’d pick you, every time. Now and forever, I will always pick you.”</p><p> </p><p>Castiel squeezes Jack’s hand. “All I ever wanted,” he rasps, “is for you to be happy.”</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>“He’ll never fully recover,” Jack says after he got them all home. Dean holds Castiel tight to his chest. The angel is asleep but his breath isn’t rattling this time. He looks at Jack, unblinking.</p><p>“The soul,” Jack starts, “will help. But Dean, you have to understand that when Castiel made it out of the Empty, he took death with him. It’s not going to let him go. The – the sheer might it must’ve taken him to survive as long as he did, I...”</p><p>Jack stops and looks to the ground.</p><p>“I could never hope to be as strong as that. But now with the soul, his grace can draw strength from it. But it’s a weak soul. It’s... it’s just an imitation, but it’ll hold. He’ll get better; and in time, he’ll be walking around again.”</p><p>Jack turns and looks at them.</p><p>“He’s essentially human now, Dean. Not in the sense that he’ll die from old age, but in the terms that he needs to eat and sleep. He’ll probably get sick a lot, but he’ll be fine.”</p><p>“The black goo will never go away?”</p><p>Jack shakes his head.</p><p>“No. But with the soul, his grace is strong enough to keep it in check and keep all the internal organs working. I – I have to go now. But I’ll drop in whenever I can. Say hi to Sam for me and – tell Maria about me, too, okay? I’m excited to meet her someday soon.”</p><p>Jack smiles brightly and holds his hand up in a wave. “Bye, Dean,” he says and disappears.</p><p>Dean lets out a deep breath and gently places Castiel on the bed. Castiel is breathing quietly and really, Dean should call Sam and tell him but he’s just so tired.</p><p>When he crawls into bed next to Cas, he thinks about the people at the hospital. He forgot to ask Jack to remove their memories. It would work out, though, right? Cas is alive and he’s home and now he’s finally gonna get better.</p><p>Dean snuggles up next to Cas and vows to call Sam tomorrow. They’ll sort it out together. But right now, the only thing that matters is Castiel’s soft breathing and the knowledge that a soul shimmers inside him.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>“I missed this,” Cas says when Dean opens his eyes. He’s been awake for a while at this point, but he had wanted to enjoy Castiel playing with his hair. It feels nice.</p><p>“You never played with my hair before,” Dean replies.</p><p>“No, but I missed watching you sleep. It’s very calming.”</p><p>Castiel’s voice sounds tired, but it doesn’t seem to pain him like it did before. Dean is glad. Now everything would work out. And even if Cas would be bedridden for the rest of Dean’s life, then that is okay too.</p><p>“You can watch me sleep forever then.”</p><p>Castiel laughs a bit but he ends in some light coughing.</p><p>“This goo,” Dean wonders, “will you really never be rid of it?”</p><p>Cas sighs. “No. I figure being in Heaven would help me. I might be able to get rid of it if I was able to tap into Heaven’s energy reserves, but I don’t want to go there now. The soul Jack made for me is going to suffice until it inevitability runs out.”</p><p>“It will run out?”</p><p>“Yes. All souls do, eventually, and this one even more so. I figure that after it’s done – it will just disappear. But by this point, decades should’ve passed and I’ll be able to go to Heaven.”</p><p>“You can’t go now?”</p><p>“Why would I?” Castiel replies while smiling against Dean’s hair. “Last I checked, you’re not in Heaven, and won’t be for a very long time. I’d rather be here with you, then waiting for you in Heaven.”</p><p>Damn, now Dean’s blushing.</p><p> </p><p>Sam’s a bit upset when Dean calls him. He’s wanted to see Jack too, and he’s also worried about the hospital staff. Nobody’s called Dean yet so Dean has hope that Jack made them forget.</p><p>“Cas is alive,” Dean says because he thinks that maybe Sam didn’t hear him properly the first time.</p><p>“I... yes. You said, I just... I can’t believe it. I didn’t even think... it’s amazing. How... how is he doing? Is he conscious? Can he talk at all?”</p><p>“Yeah. Jack said he’s probably gonna be sick for the rest of his life, but he’ll be able to move around again.”</p><p>Dean is in his kitchen; and Cas is asleep in the bed. It feels surreal. It feels like someone’s gonna pinch him in the arm and wake him up and then Cas is still gonna be dead and they’re still in the hunting life and then they go on a hunt just for one of them to die.</p><p>But that’s not gonna happen.</p><p>Their hunting days are finally over.</p><p>“Can we come over?”</p><p>Dean looks around. Them coming here might be better than hauling Cas into the car. Cas <em>just</em> came back so he might get tired more easily.</p><p>“Only if you bring the dog. I don’t think Cas has properly met her yet and that’s a crime.”</p><p>Over the line, Sam laughs. “Yes, we’ll bring the dog. We’ll be there in about half an hour. Prepare to hold a crying baby, Dean.”</p><p>“Oh, it just feels like yesterday when I was wiping your dirty ass.”</p><p>Sam hangs up and Dean grins.</p><p>There’s hope for a future in his heart and for the first time, he’s not afraid of it. Things will get better and they’ll start getting better now.</p><p> </p><p>Cas made it to the couch when Sam and Eileen arrive. As per Sam’s promise, Maria is crying her heart out and Dean feels sorry for Sam. Eileen, God bless her, probably doesn’t hear the crying too much. Dean guesses it’s Sam who gets up in the middle of the night, judging by his face. Dean grins and bends down to greet Miracle. Man, he’s missed her.</p><p>“Cas,” Sam says and Cas responds in kind. In the corner of his eye, Dean can see that Cas tries to get up from the couch but decides against it in the last moment.</p><p>Eileen walks right over and plops herself and her baby next to him. “Your niece,” she says and Cas smiles at the baby who stopped crying when she spotted Cas.</p><p>“Hello, Maria,” Cas says. Maria blinks in his direction and after some thought, reaches out for him.</p><p>Cas takes her easily and puts her in his lap.</p><p>“Have you been keeping for father up?”</p><p>Maria wiggles her arms.</p><p>“You know, for all I missed, I’m glad Jack decided to skip the toddler phase. I wonder what happened to all the diapers I bought. My doula classes were very unhelpful with my son but they might come in handy with you, hm?”</p><p>Maria smiles brightly and starts whipping in Cas’ lap.</p><p>“Hm. I guess I can be Big Blue if you want.” He boops her nose. “But then you have to be Little Cutie.”</p><p>Maria blinks at him, then laughs and claps her hands. She turns her head to her mom and brabbles to her and Eileen just smiles.  </p><p>“You speak Baby, Cas?” Sam asks and Cas turns his head.</p><p>“No. Babies don’t use words like we do; it’s more of a... sense. A feeling if you will. They can’t think in complete sentences yet. It’s along the lines of <em>Sad because hungry. Upset because dirty. Happy because play. Happy because friend.</em> Like that.”</p><p>Cas smiles and lifts Maria up and she giggles.</p><p>“Guess she found a friend in you, huh?”</p><p>“That she did.”</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>Dean isn’t surprised when Castiel and Miracle get along splendidly. As soon as the dog warms up to the angel, Dean is permanently degraded to <em>giver of food</em> and honestly, he’s not even mad at that. Miracle keeps Cas company when Dean has to go to work and they even go on walks together – never very far in the beginning because Cas still has to get his legs under him but the important bit is that Miracle makes Cas leave the bed or the couch.</p><p>There are days, sometimes more and sometimes less, where Castiel is sad. Dean knows that that word is probably an understatement, but he doesn’t want to call it depression – it’s too big of a word and Dean’s afraid of it.</p><p>There are days when Castiel’s body just refuses everything and anything. Cas doesn’t want to see or hear Dean on these days and Dean respects that. He wants to be there, but his presence is upsetting Cas way too much.</p><p>Cas isn’t used to being sick and somewhere deep down Dean thinks he remembers. Cas needs to be useful. And on these days, he’s not useful at all. But Dean doesn’t know how to tell Cas that it’s okay. He doesn’t know how to make Cas understand that he doesn’t have to be useful. No words that Dean could come up with seem good enough for him. So he stays silent and he knows it’s not the right thing to do.</p><p>Cas gets sick at least one time a month, sometimes more. He’s always sick for at least two days, battling fever and puking up goo. Dean’s terrified every single time.</p><p>“I’m fine,” Cas says every time and Dean wants to believe him.</p><p><em>I love you</em>, he wants to tell him but he’s afraid.</p><p>He’s not sure what he’s afraid of.</p><p>Cas cries at night sometimes and Dean pretends not to hear.</p><p>Cas has nightmares sometimes and Dean sleeps on the couch.</p><p>He doesn’t understand himself.</p><p>“Dean,” Cas says one day just after his bad days ended.</p><p>“I know you don’t love me. It’s alright. I’ve accepted that. It doesn’t change what I feel, <em>how</em> I feel. You are – I’ve never met someone like you. There have been others that have fascinated me, but – but I’ve only ever watched them from a distance. I was never inclined to come closer, to get to know them, to have them know me. I was content just watching them from afar, learning about them and studying them from my high perch.</p><p>But you –</p><p>I wasn’t supposed to get involved. I was supposed to tell you your part in the Apocalypse and then I was – I guess I was supposed to die.  But you were, well, <em>you</em> and it made me rethink. I wondered if you were right, if people could actually choose their own destinies.</p><p>And Sam – Sam as the Boyking of Hell, the true vessel of Lucifer, I expected him to be evil, I expected him to be malicious, but he wasn’t. Sam was good and kind and brave and the small spot of darkness was a stain on him, but then he’s only human and it didn’t even matter.</p><p>And I saw that I was wrong and I thought – I thought <em>maybe Dean is right</em>. Maybe this is a story we can choose for ourselves.</p><p>Maybe this could be a story that doesn’t end with humanity wiped out. Maybe this is a story that ends differently as it was foretold. I wanted to believe. I wanted to have faith in what you said and – and so I did.</p><p>I know you never had faith in me, but I had faith in you and – I never really stopped. People getting to choose their own lives, their own destinies, their own ends – it just had never been in the cards. Everything had always served a bigger plan; always aiming to getting closer to the one true end when there was so much more.</p><p>I’ve had people believe in me; when in the same breath they defied God himself. <em>You’re here</em>, they’d say, <em>he is not</em>.</p><p>And they were right. I was there; and he was not. I always wondered if our path was the right one – after all, who’d stop us if we were wrong? We’d listen to no one but God himself, so who would’ve been able to halt us in our wake? But still, I followed my orders and whenever I saw fit, I’d tweak them, just a little.</p><p>I’d let a child go. I’d give an old man a few more minutes to say good-bye. I’d save the mother giving birth. I’d do these things and I got punished for them and I’d falter. What if I did something wrong? What if I altered the big plan? What if the ending would never come as it had been planned? And maybe –</p><p>Maybe it didn’t. Maybe the mother I saved changed something. Maybe the old man saying good-bye gave closure to someone. Maybe the child I let go grew up to influence someone they were never meant to meet. Who can tell?</p><p>I realised something so small can change the world. Maybe it won’t change the world as a whole but <em>someone’s</em> world will be different.</p><p>But the point is: I went against my orders and every time, I got punished for it. And then I met you, and you went against your orders and I couldn’t see you getting punished. And I thought, maybe you had the right path. Maybe wrong decisions get punished and right decisions do not. So I decided to follow you. I decided to follow the path you were carving.</p><p>And then you left the path, so I decided to keep walking on it because to me, it was the right path to take. And <em>I was right</em>. Every time I got punished, I knew I was doing the right thing. They were wrong; and I was right.</p><p>They wanted to reverse me, they wanted to change me by any means possible but I didn’t let them. Even when they succeeded, I didn’t let them take you away from me. You allowed me to change, Dean, you allowed me to be who I’m really meant to be. And for that –</p><p>For that, I’ll forever be grateful. I was right. There was a better way and they were proven wrong. I’m – maybe I’m still defective. Maybe I’ll always be wrong, and broken, and useless. But if that’s who I am, then – then so be it.</p><p>I am – I was always ashamed of myself. Why couldn’t I be like the others? Why couldn’t I follow orders like them? Why was I so different? And no matter how hard I tried, no matter what I did, I – I was always the outsider. The one that didn’t belong, not really, and –</p><p>And when I was with you, that didn’t change. I was still the outsider, I was still different. Not in the same way, sure, but still, I didn’t belong. I’ll never do. I’ll never belong anywhere, because maybe there’s no place for me after all.</p><p>But – I wasn’t supposed to be here at all. I was supposed to be dead. I’ve died again and again and I came back, again and again because – <em>because I wasn’t done yet.</em> There’s still more. It made me think that maybe I have a purpose. That I have a reason for living, no matter how small it might be. And I always wanted –</p><p>I always wanted to make you feel safe. I always wanted to be the guy you could trust in. I wanted you to call me, I wanted you to need me. I <em>needed</em> you to want me, but maybe you never did and that’s okay.</p><p>I’m here now. And once I’m – once I’m better, I’ll be on my way. I’ll find something to do. I’ll find a place where I can be useful but until I’m strong enough for that – maybe it’s okay if I stay a little bit longer?”</p><p>There’s something here, Dean knows that. There’s something here he’s supposed to say, some clever line, some heartfelt comment, but – but he doesn’t know.</p><p>Dean hears <em>I don’t want to go.</em></p><p>So he says: “I don’t want you to go.”</p><p>And maybe that was the right thing to say after all.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. let the good times roll</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Well, this is it! It's the last part!<br/>I didn't think it'd turn out to be this long. I was aiming for like 3k to 5k but then - well. You see what happened then. Anyway.<br/>I hope you enjoy this last part!</p><p>Find me on tumblr <a href="https://irrlicht-ghostfront.tumblr.com/">here</a> or <a href="https://irrlicht-writes.tumblr.com/">here</a></p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sam and Eileen gift a painting set to Castiel one day. Dean isn’t sure why but they say it’s because he saved their baby. Later Cas admits to Dean that he barely remembers what happened.</p><p>As it turns out, Castiel sees the world vastly different than Dean. Dean’s no art critic, nor could he detect a masterpiece in the making but to him, Cas’ pieces feel alive. There is a certain aspect to them.</p><p>Castiel paints mostly with his fingers and the faces of the people are wonky at best but still, they stare right into Dean’s heart.</p><p>“They are dead,” Cas says, “but with this, they’re alive. There was a world people cannot understand today. You have changed so much in so little time and yet it remains – you will always look at the world with wonder in your eyes.”</p><p> </p><p>Charlie helps them sell Cas’ art online. They sell somewhat well and Dean thinks that Cas is happy that he gets to help. Cas had said that he would’ve like to take a real job, but Dean shut him down very quickly.</p><p>Nobody would want to hire Cas – first, Cas didn’t even properly exist. And second; there would be too many days where Cas would have to stay at home. Any employer would only allow so many sick days and Dean is afraid of sending Cas to a therapist.</p><p>Even though he knows that they all probably need one, how would you even start explaining?</p><p>
  <em>“Yeah, roughly 15 years ago I set off with my brother to find our dad and now our son turned into God. Oh and also we picked up this literal angel as our best friend and all of us – our son concluded who by the way was fathered by Lucifer – have died several times and then we just kind of went going.”</em>
</p><p>Yeah. No.</p><p>Not to mention all the additional bullshit Castiel would have to unpack. Dean’s been in a mental constitution once; he doesn’t really have to go there again. And he certainly doesn’t want Cas to go there – also, again.</p><p>The bees are still on Dean’s mind. He doesn’t need a repeat of that.</p><p>And anyway, the paintings are selling. And in time, they might even be able to ask for more money. Dean doesn’t really hold out hope but who knows?</p><p> </p><p>Two years after Maria is born, Sam and Eileen get married. Dean knows that they’ve been discussing marriage for a long time and have never been able to decide whether it was for them or not. But then Eileen proposed and here they are.</p><p>“She asked me to accompany her with the ring shopping. I think she just wanted to use me for my fingers,” Cas says to Dean and Dean smirks.</p><p>“Do you think Jack’ll show up?”</p><p>“I don’t know. I’ve told him; and I’m sure he knows but whether or not he’ll actually show up... it would be good to see him again. But even if he can’t make it here, he’ll be watching over these two.”</p><p>They are about to begin the ceremony and Dean’s excited to be the Best Man. He’s never thought he’d get to be that for real so it feels like a dream. Maria’s supposed to be the Flower Girl but she hasn’t shown up yet.</p><p>“Cas,” Charlie rushes over to them. Cas blinks up at her, tilting his head.</p><p>“Maria doesn’t want to walk, she’s embarrassed. Do you think you can help her out?”</p><p>Maria has gotten overly attached to Cas in these past two years and Dean believes it’s just infatuation. After all, who could look into these big blue eyes and not fall for them? Dean, however, is a little bit upset over the fact that she likes Cas better than him. But he’ll just wait until Maria will appreciate cars. And that’s when Dean will win.</p><p>“Of course,” Cas replies, “come on, Miracle.”</p><p>Miracle has essentially become Castiel’s therapy dog. She follows him everywhere and makes sure he eats and drinks enough. She loves Cas to pieces and anyone who even looks at the angel wrong gets growled at.</p><p>Dean watches them walk away and gets his phone out. He knows that there is a photographer here that films things but he wants that piece for himself. And he has to go up there anyway, so he might just go now anyway.</p><p>It takes five more minutes before Cas was apparently able to convince Maria to come out – and even then, she’s getting carried. She’s holding the flower basket close to her chest and Cas encourages her to throw the petals down. Dean’s heart melts at the sight of them.</p><p>Cas stops next to the pew where Claire and Kaia are sitting and basically tells Maria to throw flowers on them. Claire laughs and playfully shoves Cas away from them. Jody and Donna are also getting petals thrown in their face. Everybody is smiling and Dean’s happy that he’s filming this.</p><p>Maria is giggling and throwing petals all over the place. “She was so stiff before,” Charlie whispers in his direction.</p><p>“She wasn’t even looking at me and now look at <em>that</em>. How is Cas’ gayness softer than mine?”</p><p>“You’re just intimidating.”</p><p> “Cas is an <em>angel</em>!”</p><p> </p><p>Eileen is beautiful when she walks down the aisle. Sam next to him exhales and has the biggest smile on his stupid face.</p><p>“Mama so pretty!” Maria proclaims loudly while clapping her hands.</p><p>“Yes, she is,” Cas replies a little quieter. He has her sitting on his lap and he has a flower in his hair. Apparently Maria was supposed to give that to her mom but she had decided that it was for Cas, so now he was wearing the flower. It does fit him, Dean thinks.</p><p>The ceremony itself goes over without a hitch even though Sam almost breaks down crying twice. Dean was expecting more, if he’s honest. Maybe Sammy practised with Cas – apparently Cas is the solution to every problem.</p><p>Later, at the party, Dean holds an embarrassing speech about Sam and after, Sam dunks his head into a pie. This is fair, because Dean definitely deserves that. It’s all good, though. Cas laughs and wipes Dean’s face clean and Maria – still in Cas’ lap – giggles like it’s Christmas.</p><p>Dean dances with Eileen and Sam dances with Cas and Maria. Charlie’s taking pictures and Dean loves it. Cas can’t dance for very long and he leans heavily onto Sam but he tries his best for Sam and Maria both.</p><p>Dean loves him.</p><p>And someday, he’ll man up enough to actually say these words. He just needs a little bit longer. And Cas is here to stay. Dean’ll work up the courage he needs and then it’ll be alright.</p><p> </p><p>Charlie is dancing with Maria and Eileen is sitting next to Cas. She’s taken her shoes off and is likely complaining to the angel that her feet hurt. Cas is holding the wedding bouquet now and Dean knows that Eileen will insist he keep it.</p><p>“I wish she would’ve thrown it,” Claire says and Dean wiggles his eyebrows.</p><p>“You were hoping to catch it, weren’t you?”</p><p>“Shut up.”</p><p> </p><p>At the end, Jack didn’t show. The party had ended a while ago, but Dean and Castiel are still sitting on a bench outside. It’s a nice night, and Dean doesn’t want to drive home yet. There are no clouds in the sky and the stars are shining bright. Dean reckons that that’s Jack’s doing. He still wishes he would’ve shown his face.</p><p>“Don’t be mad at him,” Castiel says while leaning on Dean’s shoulder. “You know he doesn’t do that well with a lot of people.”</p><p>Yes. That is true but still – he hadn’t even come to congratulate Sam? He also still hadn’t come to meet Maria yet. Dean wonders what work a God has to do. Didn’t Jack say he wanted to be hands off?</p><p>“Don’t you miss him?” Dean asks.</p><p>“Every day,” Castiel replies.</p><p>Castiel raises a hand towards the sky and Dean sees a shooting star. But the star stops after it passes Cas’ hand.</p><p>Castiel retracts his hand and there’s a golden orb floating above his palm.</p><p>“What’s that?”</p><p>It glows brightly and it’s almost too much for Dean to look at. It compels him in the same way it tells him to stay away from it. Where did it come from? Why is it here? What’s it going to do?</p><p>“Divinity,” Castiel quietly replies and closes his hand, making the orb disappear.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>“Dean, really?”</p><p>Dean sighs. He knew it was a mistake to talk to Sam about this. But he knows that Charlie would’ve squealed in his ear and honestly, Claire is still a bit too young for this to talk about it. And yeah sure, Eileen would’ve been an option but even after all this time, Dean still hasn’t improved on his signing skills.</p><p>“I know it’s stupid.”</p><p>“I didn’t say that. But have you even choked up an <em>I love you</em>?”</p><p>Dean is quiet.</p><p>“Oh my god, I knew it. Dean, you can’t just <em>propose</em> like that!”</p><p>“...shut up.”</p><p>He pockets the box inside his jacket. He doesn’t want to propose right now anyway. It’s more like a promise to himself, that one day he might be worthy of this. If – when he’ll find the words one day, he’ll be good enough for Cas. He can be.</p><p>He will be.</p><p>For Cas, the best thing that ever happened to him.</p><p>For Cas, who still thinks he’s barely tolerated.</p><p>For Cas, who sees the world as more than it is.</p><p>For Cas, who loves so much and has never been loved in return.</p><p> </p><p>Their first kiss doesn’t quite happen as Dean would’ve imagined it – not that he had ever been imagining it in the first place.</p><p>Cas is watching Dancing With The Stars and he’s really fascinated. Apparently, he’s never danced before. Dean’s never told him about Garth and Bess dancing in front of the window. He wonders how they’re doing now. Maybe they’re dancing right at this moment, while Sam and Castiel are finally asleep?</p><p>“Dean, please?” Castiel’s blue eyes are pleading and Dean has a hard time saying no. Cas always asks for so little and Dean’s always liked dancing when he got a chance to do it – which sadly is not often. So he sighs and stands up from the couch, offering his hand up to Cas.</p><p>“Might I have this dance, milady?”</p><p>Cas blinks at him in question, and then looks at the outstretched hand. At last, there’s a smile stealing itself across Castiel’s face and he gently takes Dean’s hand and hauls himself up.</p><p>“Of course, my lord.”</p><p>Dean chuckles and pulls Cas flush against him. It’s been a while since they were this close together without one of them on literal death’s door. Cas is alive and warm under his hands and Dean starts swaying. He’s never danced a real dance, much less so with another man. But it’s not like Cas could dance at all, so it’s okay. And besides – it’s not about the skill, it’s about the experience. And Cas –</p><p>Cas is laughing. It’s a happy laugh and he enjoys himself. It’s truly a sight to see. It’s rare to see Cas so relaxed and Dean feels more than privileged to witness this much less be the cause of it. Dean swirls Cas on the spot and as the swirl ends, Cas stumbles forward against Dean’s chest. Dean holds him tight and it’s a good feeling.</p><p>Cas’ hair is brushing against Dean’s chin and he feels calm. He gently puts one hand on Castiel’s cheek and Cas nuzzles into it. Castiel’s hand is loosely laying on Dean’s chest and the volume of the TV playing in the background is already fading away.</p><p>Dean’s in love.</p><p>He’s in love with Castiel.</p><p>He gently directs Castiel’s face upwards and looks at the big, blue, blinking eyes.</p><p>He doesn’t understand how he got to be so lucky.</p><p>Dean bends down, just a little, and ever so gently presses his lips against Castiel’s mouth.</p><p>It’s a quiet kiss, one that doesn’t require anything.</p><p>“Dean,” is all that Cas says afterwards but Dean quietly hushes him.</p><p>“Shh,” he replies and kisses him again.</p><p>It’s easier than anything else he’s ever done.</p><p>He doesn’t remember why he was ever afraid of this.</p><p>This, right here, is where he’s meant to be.</p><p>With the TV running in the background, in his shitty apartment, in worn-out clothes, with a dog sleeping in her bed, kissing Castiel.</p><p>Sometimes things are just easy.</p><p>Dean holds Castiel tight and thankfully, Castiel doesn’t speak.</p><p>It’s the most comforting silence and Dean cherishes it.</p><p>He’s in love.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>It’s a soft thing, after. Nothing changes and yet, so much is different.</p><p>He kisses Cas in the morning before he goes to work; in the afternoon when he returns; when they make dinner; when they watch TV.</p><p>It’s the easiest thing in the world.</p><p>And yet, Dean knows that Cas wonders.</p><p>
  <em>I know you don’t love me.</em>
</p><p>But Dean does. He just can’t say it. If he did, then – then what would John say? Dad would judge him for this. Dad would call him a girl; and a fairy; and tell Dean that Dad hadn’t raised a gay son.</p><p> </p><p>He’s still thinking about this in bed. Next to him, Cas is fast asleep, holding onto Dean’s arm. Miracle is snoring in her own doggy bed.</p><p>“I love Cas,” Dean says toneless into the dark room and is instantly overcome by anxiety. Somehow, even after all these years, he expects John to bust through the door and expose him and nail him to the cross or something.</p><p>He turns to his side and looks at Cas. The angel looks so relaxed in his sleep and Dean gently pats his hair. Cas mumbles a bit and burrows closer to Dean as if to seek warmth. Dean puts his free arm around him and pulls him as close as possible, tucking the angel under his chin.</p><p>He doesn’t know what to do. Cas deserves to be told. But whenever Dean thinks it might be the right time for it – then there’s John standing in the distance, observing and judging him. Dean knows he just has to do it, that he just has to push through. Dad is dead and nothing can happen anymore. But this fear is far too ingrained inside his brain. Maybe writing a letter would help? But somehow it doesn’t feel like enough.</p><p>Dean needs to say it.</p><p>He has to say it.</p><p>But he can’t.</p><p>He can’t.</p><p>For all his bravery, for all his courage – he can’t.</p><p> </p><p>“A bird learns to fly when it falls.”</p><p>Cas is not in bed when Dean wakes up.</p><p>“Water will whittle away the mountain.”</p><p>Cas is nowhere to be found inside the apartment. Miracle is quiet.</p><p>“A flower will break through the concrete.”</p><p>Dean panics. In his panic, he runs outside.</p><p>“Long after its death, a star will remain in the sky.”</p><p> </p><p>Outside it’s foggy.</p><p>But there is Cas.</p><p>Cas is standing outside, barefooted, and Dean is rooted to the spot.</p><p>There are golden orbs floating around Castiel.</p><p>Divinity, Cas had called them.</p><p>“Cas,” Dean breathes and the angel turns around.</p><p>“Hello, Dean.”</p><p> </p><p>“What are those?”</p><p>“I’ve told you. Divinity.”</p><p>“Yes, I know, but what <em>are they</em>?”</p><p>“A burden shared is a burden lifted. Ever since I woke all the way back before time existed, a great many stars have died. And still, some remain in the sky. Did you never wonder where they go?</p><p>Their physical form shall burn from velocity, but what about the stars? What about them? Who catches them? Where do they go? Shall they forever be lost in space?</p><p>I was lost too, you know. I was lost ever since the start. Sometimes I think I remember. Sometimes I think I remember an all consuming light in the dark. Sometimes I think I remember the beginning before it ever began. Sometimes I think I remember the void, the naught.</p><p>And then, just as quickly, I lose it again.</p><p>Why did Father abandon us?</p><p>Why did He create so many of us, if none of us mattered?</p><p><em>Come with us</em>, the stars whispered to me, <em>we have no answers but mayhap we shall find them.</em></p><p>Why did the stars exist, if only to die? I didn’t want them to be lost and so I collected them. I found them in the void and I took them with me for I thought I might find a purpose within them. And in time, they started finding me. I became their haven, their destination.</p><p>But still, I was lost. Each time a star would find me, I think I can see the light in the void again, the end after the end. But soon these memories are gone, too, and I can only hold on to scraps. And I wonder.</p><p>What if I don’t remember at all? What if what I see are just fragments from the stars, showing me what they saw in their last moments?</p><p>Dean, you must know: time is not linear. What happens before will happen after. The end happens before the start and sometimes the beginning happens in the middle. This time, this life is just one stream amongst them all.</p><p>Some stars tell me of the end; and others tell me of the start. Maybe some tell me of the middle. And maybe some tell me of all, and all I get is the light in the void at the start.</p><p>I’ve wondered.</p><p>Why am I broken?</p><p>Why am I, of all the angels, the only one that’s cracked?</p><p>What went wrong?</p><p>Why was it only ever me? Why wasn’t perfect like the others? Why weren’t others cracked as I was?</p><p>Why was I the only one that’s ever looked to the stars and collected them?</p><p>What if Father never made me?</p><p>What if – what if I was created by something else?</p><p>And if so, what was it? And why? And why did Father allow me to continue existing? Did He perhaps just not notice? Did He perhaps just not care? Did He perhaps just think me merely another insignificant angel that He needn’t pay attention to?</p><p>What broke the connection?</p><p>Why am I the only angel to love <em>you</em>?</p><p>Was I whole before, perhaps, but if that was so – what shattered me? What put me back together? Where did the missing pieces go?</p><p>The light I remember in the naught – what is it? Where does it come from? Why does it matter at all, why do I care if it lights up the void or not?</p><p>Why do I cling to a light that does not matter?</p><p>I –</p><p>I’m lost, Dean.</p><p>Amidst the stars, I am lost.</p><p>From here on out, where do I go?”</p><p> </p><p>Dean reaches out.</p><p>Castiel is standing there all alone, surrounded by what remains of the stars – surrounded by divinity.</p><p>He takes Castiel’s hand.</p><p>“Go with me,” he says.</p><p>“I love you,” he says.</p><p>Amidst the stars, Castiel smiles.</p><p>Dean thinks he can see the light that Castiel spoke about.</p><p>It’s a soft, shining light and it’s free.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know if I can.”</p><p>“Why not?”</p><p>“It’s a big thing, Cas, you know? What if I fail?”</p><p>“Then we’ll fail together.”</p><p> </p><p>Dean buys a corner lot. It’s very expensive. But he has a dream. He doesn’t want to work construction forever. He deserves to be happy. And Cas is here. Cas is here, and Sam is here, and Eileen is here – and everyone is here.</p><p>He’s not alone and he can rely on all these people. They <em>want</em> to help him; they <em>want</em> him to be happy. He can do this. For the first time in his life, he can do something solely for himself.</p><p>For the first time in his life, he doesn’t have to depend only on himself.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>Sam hoists Maria out of the car seat. He wants to go and help Eileen out of the car but if he did, she’d kick him in the shin.</p><p>“Are there no balloons?” Maria wants to know. Sam looks up. True, there are no balloons outside.</p><p>“I’m sure Uncle Dean’s got some inside, sweetheart.”</p><p>Maria grins from ear to ear and hugs her monkey toy harder. Cas had given it to her just a few years ago. It hadn’t even been her birthday; he had just wanted to give something to his niece. Sam is glad that they get along so well. But sometimes he debates: should they tell her that Cas is an angel? It’s not a problem right now, but he and Dean and Eileen will start aging one day while Cas will not.</p><p>But, ah well, it might be best to cross that bridge when they’d get there.</p><p>“<em>Hunter’s Rest</em> is a nice name,” Eileen says when she finally steps next to Sam. Sam just nods. It’s true. Sam had kept suggesting <em>Roadhouse</em>, in Ellen’s and Ash’s and Jo’s legacy but Dean had always refused. Dean hadn’t wanted to be a copy-cat of what they’ve been.</p><p>Dean wants something that’s his own.</p><p>And Sam couldn’t be happier for him.</p><p>It was a long road, getting here, and even now he could scarcely believe it.</p><p>But the <em>Hunter’s Rest</em> is officially opening today.</p><p>He smiles at Eileen, takes both his girl’s hands and enters Dean’s bar.</p><p> </p><p>“Uncle Dean!”</p><p>Maria yells as soon as she spots her uncle and throws herself at his middle from across the room. Dean laughs and catches her. He lifts her up and holds her on his hip.</p><p>“How’s my favourite tornado?”</p><p>She giggles and hugs him tight.</p><p>“Where’s Uncle Cas?”</p><p>“He’s still in the back, sweetheart. Be nice to him today, okay? It’s not a good day. But I know he’ll be happy to see you, so why don’t you go say hello?”</p><p>Maria nods with a solemn expression on her face. She knows about Uncle Cas’ bad days. She shouldn’t be too loud on these and she has to understand that he might not want to play as much with her. She loves Uncle Cas. She wouldn’t tell this to anyone because she knows Uncle Dean would be upset, but Uncle Cas is her favourite. There’s a glow about him that she can’t explain to anyone, but it draws her to him.</p><p>Uncle Dean puts her on the ground and she goes to find Uncle Cas. When she finds him, he smiles at her. He looks tired and sick, but he glows so brightly today.</p><p>“Hello, Maria,” he greets her.</p><p>She steps closer and climbs into his lap.</p><p>“I love you,” she says and Uncle Cas hugs her tight.</p><p> </p><p>“Looks good, Dean,” Sam says to Dean in the meantime. Dean grins and pulls his brother close. He nods at Eileen who waves back.</p><p>“How are we coming along?” he asks her and she rubs her stomach.</p><p>“Good,” she replies, “the doctor says it’s two.”</p><p>“Two, huh? Man, Sammy, you dog!”</p><p>Sam laughs and Dean slaps him on the shoulder.</p><p>“Maria was really hoping for some balloons,” Sam says and Dean shrugs.</p><p>“I have some in the back, but I don’t know if I should hang them up. It’s gonna be a few hours still until official opening, you know?”</p><p>“Are Charlie and Stevie coming?”</p><p>“Yeah, Charlie’s gonna help me set up the music. The others are coming too, but Donna can’t make it. Some important thing came up but she’s gonna drop by in the coming days.”</p><p>Sam nods.</p><p>“There should be balloons,” Eileen pipes up and Dean sighs deeply.</p><p>“<em>Fine</em>,” he says then, “but y’all are helping me with that. I ain’t the only one blowing these things up.”</p><p>“I overheard,” Cas says as he’s rolling out of the back in his wheelchair. On his lap, there are Maria and a big load of balloons.</p><p>Dean sighs. “Why am I being set up?”</p><p>Castiel smiles at Dean. “Because balloons make everything better. We should’ve gotten glitter, too, you know? We’ll help, Dean.”</p><p> </p><p>“Bad day, huh?” Sam asks him while they are placing the balloons. Dean nods.</p><p>“Last couple days actually. Yesterday was the worst; he wouldn’t even get out of bed. The day before that, he spent almost all day puking into the toilet. But he’s getting better now, I think. It’s just – I know that he’s sick. I know that these days happen and that they’ll happen again, it just – it just fucking scares me, y’know? Knowing that there’s nothing I can do, no spell to find to cure him or anything – it just makes me feel so helpless.”</p><p>Sam puts his hand on Dean’s shoulder.</p><p>“Dean, you’re doing great. What you’re going through – what you both are going through – is extremely stressful. I can’t even imagine. I can’t imagine all the hurdles you had to go through to get here. How scary it has to be to wake at night and see Cas being sick again. I’m proud of you, Dean. I really am. You’re holding it together so well and if – if you ever have to break, I’m here for you. We’re all here for you. You’re not alone. You’re never alone, Dean.”</p><p>Dean huffs out a laugh and turns to hug his brother.</p><p>It’s true.</p><p>Their lone journey is over.</p><p>They started with just the two of them.</p><p>But they’re never going to be alone again.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>“I love you,” Dean whispers into dark hair.</p><p>“I don’t know when I fell in love. I don’t know when I realised. But I love you. I love all of you.</p><p>We’ve endured a great many things, you and I. We fell and rose together, we burned and crashed together. And in all this time, you weren’t even supposed to be there. But you were. You fought and clawed your way back to me every single time, and I’ve never even said thank you. I never once appreciated all the pain and misery you had to endure just to get back to me.</p><p>No matter what, you were there. You were there for me and Sam when nobody else was. You stayed by your side since the very beginning and you overturned everything you believed in because you started to believe in me. You had faith in <em>me</em>, the man without faith. And through you – you became my faith. I believed in nothing, I had faith in nothing – except you. I had faith in you. When you were gone, so was my faith gone. And when you returned, you brought it back with you.</p><p>When we met, you told me that good things do happen.</p><p>For so long, I didn’t believe you. But you were right. And know what? That good thing that would happen to me was right in front of me. And we didn’t know. Neither of us knew. Who could’ve imagined?</p><p>A man afraid of flying and an angel afraid of falling.</p><p>We really did meet in the middle, huh?</p><p>I’m sorry, Cas. I never did right by you. All your life you thought you were wrong because you weren’t like the others. You always believed that you needed to atone for your sins someway. And I – I didn’t help you. I made you think that you were expendable, that you weren’t worth anything. And I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, because I was wrong.</p><p>You’re worth everything. You matter so much, Cas – to me, to Sam, to the world. I’m sorry that all of us have fallen short. I’ll make it up to you. I’ll make it up to you for all eternity, because I love you. If you’ll have me for whatever reason, then I’m yours. And I’m never going to let go. If I lose you, I will stop at nothing to find you again.</p><p>It’s you and me. Now and forever.”</p><p>“Look for the light,” Castiel whispers into the darkness.</p><p>“Look for the light and you’ll always find me there.”</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>At the end of a long, long life, Dean opens his eyes.</p><p>Above him, there’s nothing but endless stretches of blue sky.</p><p>Dean sits up and looks around.</p><p>He’s in an onion field and he stands up.</p><p>He turns to the side and sees him there.</p><p> </p><p>There’s a trench-coat angel standing in the onion field, surrounded by the golden orbs of stars.</p><p>The wings behind him are magnificent and have the colour of a rainbow.</p><p> </p><p>Dean starts approaching him.</p><p>Behind the angel, there is a massive tree.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey, Cas.”</p><p>“Hello, Dean.”</p>
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